FEEDBACK SAMPLE
"The Twickenham Murders"
The director of The Twickenham Murders wanted to receive honest feedback for his independent short film.
You can watch the film below and read a sample of the feedback the filmmaker received below, or you can read the feedback in Excel.
FEEDBACK #7
Age - 26
Gender - Male
Profession - Writer
Did you like the film?
Sort Of
Anything you'd like more of?
More exposition of the main character. We are thrown into an immediate scene of a very angst-filled teenager stomping across the street. From his expression, you’re under the impression that maybe it was his friend or relative that’s been killed. But then we see him pondering over the pond. His attitude doesn’t match the justification — or even his interest — in the murders. I’m forced to make logic leaps that maybe he’s a Nancy Drew type, but the overall justification for his actions is lacking.
I’d also like to see more of the relationship between the two “detectives.” At first screen interaction, they’re immediately hostile towards one another. Where did this come from?
Were there any moments/scenes you particularly liked? (Please list and explain)
I thought the washer/dryer to intruder night scene was done well. It lends to the idea that maybe the main character is seeing things, or that we have an untrustworthy narrator.
The final build up to the last scene was done really well. The board with string and photos, the main character’s confusion. But that needs to continue through the entire finale.
Were there any moments/scenes you particularly disliked, or felt didn't work? (Please list and explain)
There seemed to be some logical continuity errors with the pills/dumping of the pills. The main character takes these pills to help take away from his delusions, correct? Then why, while still taking them, does he see a fictional intruder in his home? If the pills are making him forget things, then wouldn’t the absence of the pills make him remember that he did the killings?
In the scene where the main character is being followed by the other boy (leading to the park), they’re less than 10 feet away from each other, walking in a straight line, but the main character is able to shake him by slipping behind a bush and faking that he’s been reading/writing in his journal? That feels like a stretch. The 2nd character would know he’s there.
In the radio description of the 2nd death, the voice describes wounds, that the police can’t find a weapon, but they’re ruling it a drowning. Two drownings in a row, in the same place, days apart. That must be the worst police department in country if they can’t make a connection there. Are people drowning in that pond frequently enough that they’re going to just turn a blind eye, especially when one of the bodies has open wounds?
Were there any moments you felt annoyed or frustrated by the movie? (Please list and explain)
The main character is so reckless. He doesn’t worry about fingerprints or mishandling “evidence” that he would use to prove his case once he tries to pin the murders on the other boy. He barges into homes. He moves past crime scene tape in broad daylight. He is so wildly reckless that it makes it hard to watch him “solve” the case.
In the scene in the middle of the night, the main character wakes up fully dressed. He even went to bed wearing his button-up. I’m not saying he needs to be in full pajamas, but some continuity of bed-time preparation is needed. Even if he’s only taken off the button up.
In the outdoor scenes, the camera work is fairly shaky. There’s no need for a gimbal or harness, but smoother camera operation would go a long way.
Were you confused at any given time? (Please list and explain)
The final scene didn’t set a resolution in stone for me. Either the main character is the killer, or it’s the other character trying to frame him. Either way, as the audience, I will follow the narrative wherever it goes, it just needs to lead me in the right direction. I leave the film assuming that the main character is going to be caught “red handed,” but I still don’t know if he did it or not. The piece of his shirt missing makes me assume that, but then he enters a home, finds the other character’s shoes, blood on the doorknob, a murder weapon, etc. It’s very fuzzy on what exactly happened. A flashback at this point to him actually committing the murders or of the other boy framing him would go a long way.
Where does the main character’s motivation come from? Why is he so interested in these murders? Why does he feel justified to solve them? To follow him on his journey, I need an emotional trigger or something to explain why he acts the way he does. If it was a loved one who died, it would explain everything. But at this moment, we just see an angsty teen chasing a theory that the police are wrong and that the drowned person was murdered. How does he know?
How would you rate the following elements? (1 to 5)
Please explain your rating.
The Beginning
2/5
Reason
I don’t know the justification for the main characters actions. All I’m served is an angsty teen, who is on medication, stomping around a neighborhood defying police order to not cross into a crime scene. He then mishandles evidence out in the open, and decides the death was a murder. How does it know this? Why does he act the way he does?
The Ending
4/5
Reason
The filming, scene design, and character development/story arch are great here, but I leave the film not knowing — and not really having a push to guess in the right direction — if he is the murder or not.
The Music
4/5
Reason
It matched the mood of the scenes and added to the overall feel of the film.
The Pace
3/5
Reason
Some areas could be sped up — the dialogue — and some areas could be slowed down to add more exposition and exploration of the character’s actions — beginning scenes of main character.
The Story
3/5
Reason
I like the story. We have two characters pitted against each other in a murder mystery. I don’t feel like the story really encompasses the horror genre tag, and there are continuity errors. The character’s justifications and attitudes don’t match the information the audience is given — there might be some great backstory to his character, but because I’m not shown it, I am forced to assume things about him. The bones are here, and this film has the potential of really moving somewhere once the loose ends can be tied up.
The Drama
4/5
Reason
There is perceived drama and tension between the two characters, but we don’t know where that drama is coming from. It’s there, and it’s good, but as the audience, I don’t know these two boy’s history, why they’re so hostile towards one another, why they’re so angry. The tension and the drama lend a lot to the story, but if there was more explanation and character development, I’d be more likely to trust the drama.
The Characters
2/5
Reason
There isn’t enough structure or background information given for me to understand character actions or attitude. I need something to explain the main character’s actions. People don’t just get up and go investigate murders unless they have a reason. What is his reason? The second character comes into play as a slightly mysterious person, and we only ever get a few bits of strange dialogue from him. What is his story? Who is he in relation to the other character?
Characters and dialogue make or break a story. You have movies that take place in elevators or boxes, and they work because we feel for the characters, we know who they are and why they act in the ways they do. In this film, there isn’t enough of that to justify the actions — it makes the audience want to not trust the character decisions and it forces the audience to assume pieces of the story, which lends to an uneasy feeling while watching. I don’t need it spelled out for me, but I do need to know the reasons behind an action. Even if I disagree with them, it’s easier to follow the action if I know the reason for the action taking place. from the stereotypical roles they start in.
Any other comments or feelings about the film?
The film has a very good opportunity to take the audience somewhere special, but it can only do that with deeper character development.
As a side note, in the slow-mo scene of the pills being dumped in the trash, the audio is wrong. I’d either cut the audio, or not use the slow-mo version. It doesn’t fit and feels really jagged when watching the film.